Nipple Pinch
Hoot! Hoot?

Hoot! Hoot?

ROBERT FAGOT! Super Hero!

Facebutt

Being a dog owner and a terminally single gal, I’ve recognized some similarities between the dating scene and the dog park:

You get to the dog park and the dog pisses immediately because HOLY SHIT it hasn’t pissed in soooo long! This equals going to the bar after a long period of celibacy brought on by OMG the most traumatic break up EVAR! At this bar you will hook up with the first attractive person who drunkenly smiles at you because you’re afraid if you don’t, you will never get to pee again.

After this panicky spurting of fluids, you’ll suddenly realize there are at least 800 BILLION smells in this park, each one to be examined, perhaps briefly, perhaps in depth. This represents the dating pool. Even though you may feel like the last single person on earth, there are shit loads of lonely people drinking wine just like you. Most of them uglier than you, in fact.

Internet makes it easier to sift through the scents and weed out the worst of the bunch. Because you’ve now narrowed it down to a select few butts you’d like to sniff. In the current day and age, this is called “googling”. You’ve got a few names, or better yet a few email addresses, and you can now google the hell out of your potential butts. And which site provides you with the best ass info? Facebook.

On Facebook you can view photos that someone deemed not good enough for their OKCupid profile, read comments their friends have posted that give hints to their true personality and most importantly, what their favorite books, movies, music and quotes are!

Because honestly, who wants to be stuck with a guy/girl who likes Korn or Anchorman? I mean, these are the things that are important in life, right? Do I really want to date a guy who won’t sit and examine Morrissey lyrics? A guy who can’t appreciate my love of the Olsen twins’ masterpiece “New York Minute”?! Don’t even get me started on people who haven’t read “Trainspotting” at least 50 times!!!

Ok, so by now you probably want me to have a point? Here it is, shabby as it may be, I think we should be more like dogs. Butt sniffing tells the basics - are you healthy, are you nice, did you eat KFC last night? Do we really need to know all the nitty gritty bullshit to like someone? Or can we just enjoy a good romp in the park?

If we end up bed buddies, GREAT! If we end up more, SUPER! But it’s not your Netflix queue that’s gonna hook me, it’s YOU.

(This post was sponsored by CAPITAL LETTERS!)

Breaking News: ROBERT FAGOT Saves Girl From Anal Rape.

Breaking News: ROBERT FAGOT Saves Girl From Anal Rape.

Does throwing up wine and cheese make you classier than, say, beer and doritos? It’s all booze and fatty food, right? My point, if I have one, is moot because I’m throwing up two buck chuck and Digiorno.

Does throwing up wine and cheese make you classier than, say, beer and doritos? It’s all booze and fatty food, right? My point, if I have one, is moot because I’m throwing up two buck chuck and Digiorno.

Online Dating is…?

NORMAL?!

Do you know anyone who doesn’t, hasn’t, wouldn’t?

So why does it still feel so weird? Is it because we vet everyone before we decide to respond to them? Or maybe because we can see who views our profile, stalker style? Or is it simply because we have not yet adjusted to the fact that instead of going out and meeting people, we are forced to seek out potential mates via the internet?

It’s because of this ding dong blasted internet that no one talks IRL anymore! In fact, when I first moved to LA, I hooked up with this guy and when he asked for my phone number I fed him some bullshit line about being “in between phone numbers” and gave him my email instead. Was it because he bit my ear so hard that I thought about getting a rabies shot or was it because it’s easier to avoid someone via email than it is over the phone?

So, here’s my problem: If I’m in line at the grocery store buying tequila and taco ingredients - TALK TO ME! I’M AWESOME! Don’t go home and post an ad on Craigslist in the “missed connections” section! Because, yeah, I don’t read those…

The other night I had a sex dream about my ex. I told him about it. He told me he had a dream he was face-fucking a hot girl with a thundercats tattoo.

The other night I had a sex dream about my ex. I told him about it. He told me he had a dream he was face-fucking a hot girl with a thundercats tattoo.

Peanut Butts

Read about peanut butter in a lumberjack’s butt. www.hervatski.com

"Run, Jesus! I heard thunder!!"

"Run, Jesus! I heard thunder!!"